| I'm a complicated person...this is due, at least in part, to my past,
and the things that have happened to me. I didn't ask to be who I
am now, but this is who I am. I didn't ask for the things that
have happened in my past, but they did happen. So, therefore,
they are a part of who I am. I cannot change this, I cannot, as
hard as I might try, to ignore it. So this is who I am. I'm
still trying to figure it all out. But things are still swirling
around in my mind, and I can't seem to be able to bring them under
control, to study them, to find out more. This is all beyond my
control. But certain others would think that I can just change in
the blink of an eye, to be someone completely different, without any
apparent discernment into who I really am. Just *poof* I'm now
someone completely different, someone who has no former bearing on who
I really am, someone who, in short, is not me. A little about
me: I am now, I always have been, and I always will be, a
loner. I am now, I always have been, and I always will be, a
pessimist. This is a small part of who I am. This is the
way my mind was framed by the things going on to me and around
me. These things are things that I cannot change. They have
already happened, they are a part of my past, they are a part of
me. I did not ask for these things to happen, but they did, and
there's nothing I can do to change that. But others seek to
change me, personally. They don't like who I am, so they try to
get me to change. What if I don't want to change? What if I
like what I've become? But even these questions are beyond the
fact. No one has the right to change anyone else, especially if
they do not wish to change. Whether I want to let go of my
pessimism, doesn't mean others have the right to forcefully change that
about me. I will change in my own good time, by my own means, in
my own way. Why? Because I am a loner. I don't like
for people to try and fix me, I only wish that people would understand
me. That would be a much bigger help than trying to fix me.
I know what it is in my head, others don't. "Why don't you tell
us, then?" some may ask. Several reasons. One, is that I
don't really know how to express myself. Two, I'm still not sure
of everything going on in my mind, like I said earlier. Three,
it's not really anybodies business what I'm thinking. My mind is
the last place left I can go to be alone, it's the last thing left I
have that is truely mine, and mine alone. Please, leave it to me,
it's all I have left. I have nothing, but my mind, and even it is
deteriorating, at an ever more rapid rate. I have seen what the
world has to offer, and I wholeheartedly reject it. There is
nothing in this world that I would want. Money, power, fame,
success, it's all a farce. It all ends, it will all be taken
away. The end result is the same for all. No one
understands me; I don't really expect anyone to, but I can't stand it
when people say they do, but really have no clue how I feel. Even
those who have been in similar situations as I, but still don't
know. You can have gone through the exact same things, and still
have not know one tiny bit what I'm going through. I really did
try to live in the world. But this is the world system, these are
the things that are important: money, good looks, material possesions,
power, fame. These are what the world seeks after. Alas, I
don't, so I am therefore an outcast. And nobody likes, much less
wants to be around, an outcast. I'm am unfit for society.
But I like that, it means I'm doing something right. Be in the
world, but not of the world, as the Scripture says. And "he who
is friends with the world is an enemy of God." I do not seek what
the world does, yet I'm seen as evil. I do not look for self
pleasure and desire, and yet I'm considered an outcast. I seek,
or I should say, used to seek, the good and justice for others, and I'm
seen as the one who is self righteous. That is what I have grown
to hate. People like me, they have no place in this world.
Which explains why I've moved around so much. But no matter, the
point is, is that no one, absolutely no one, knows anything about me,
or what I am, or who I am. And when I do reveal a bit of my inner
soul, it gets used against me. I have let my weaknesses show long
enough, I have let my guard down for too long. No longer will I
seek to please others. No longer will I let myself go
unattended. No longer will I bow to a world that does not want me
to be a part of it. No longer will I seek friendship with those
who use me as a byword. No longer will I subject myself to the
horrors of self seeking, self pleasure, and self agrandizment. No
more, I have grown weary and tired of being told what to do, what to
think, what to be, what I can and can't do, all in the name of
normality, or socialism. This is the last straw. My nerves
are on edge, I have little of my mind left. It's high time I'm
left to my own machinations. If I am left here, in this world,
being told I have to follow it's rules and laws, the end result will be
worse than the first. For every effect, there is a cause, and
that will become the most important asepect to understanding who I
am. I have been led, not driven, to this point. The pysche
is now fully aware of who it is. It knows me, and who I am.
It has taken 25 years, but I now fully realize what it is I must
do. I now know who I am, and what I am. Ascetism was all a
farce, it has no spiritual benefit, if left untouched and
unchecked. Now I have, at least for a time, to deal with what
others might think of me, or what they might say about me. It
will be hard, to overcome those things that I once knew, that I thought
might bring me back to the realm of normality. I must become what
I have always knew. I must reach out into what I do not know, in
order to understand what it is that makes me, me. And it has an
added benefit: it will allow me to grab hold of what it is I must seek
to do, in order to not only leave the world system, but to bring it
with me. There is only one truth, one life, one aspect of this
realm that has any bearing on the infinite and immortal. And it
is in this, this one thing, that one must grasp, and hold onto with all
his might and soul and heart. I must seek out that one thing, the
one thing that truely matters in this life, this world, and the one to
come. I must seek with all that I am, the "pearl of great price"
as the Gospel writter calls it. Here I am, now standing on the
verge of epiphany, and those who say they understand, and want to help,
are those very obstacles now holding me back. Those who say they
love me, and want what's best for me, are the very ones trying to keep
me from who I am, and what my mission is on this planet, and within
this realm. I am being held back, not by anything of my own
imagination, but by outside forces. I have given in to them long
enough, I have allowed myself to become what Destiny has not willed for
me. I have travelled far from the path that was laid out for
me. I have searched out the meaning of things, indeed, into my
very soul, and have found the truth. I have looked, into the very
deepest things of this realm, and have found out what I am to
become. I can see my own future, if I follow along the path that
has been set for me. It has been revealed to me, ton profitos, by
the very Instigator and Creator of all things. I have sought out
my past, and my present as well, to find out the things that have made
me who I am. Those things have worked, not so much for my demise,
as for my benefit, to show me the things that I must do. I must
do what I have already set out to do, in fact, what I have been doing
my whole life, that is, forsaking all things, to gain the one thing of
greater worth than everything in this world. And I must continue
to do so, even if it kills me, even if my heart breaks into a thousand
pieces, to follow that straight and narrow path. I must seek out,
with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength, that one thing that brings
true life. And God willing, all this will happen unto me, as I
have said it. To seek out the truth and the life. Even if I
should have to forsake all things. To grab hold of the thing that
can bring life, and no longer to try and let go of it. I am who I
am, I am what I am, and I will not change, because others may not
understand it. I will do what I will do, and only what I will do,
and not what others expect of me. Even if I should lose my very
life, I know that my soul will be spared, and live on. This one
thing I seek, and I will no longer let anything stand in my way.
I will no longer give in to my own desires, I will deny my flesh, and
all things that this world says is of great importance, to take hold of
the one thing that is truely of the only importance. God's will
be done.
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